Written by
Mike Shvenderman

Bonjour! Ca va bien?

A little bit about me, I’m not French by any means but I learned how to be fake thanks to my peers. My generation is full of fake humanitarians and horseshit idealists pretending like their meaningless blog posts and stupid fucking opinions are changing the world when in reality they most certainly aren’t. I love to be the bearer of bad news so here it is; NO ONE GIVES A FUCK ABOUT YOU OR ME. Hopefully I don’t come off as a pessimist. These people have taught me several valuable lessons: words are truly meaningless; news reporting is dead; and that a middle-upper class white female CAN in fact exploit the problems of minority groups for a profit! Meanwhile Santa Clause is still not real, life isn’t fair.

As a young kid I was very timid and shy utilizing most of my spare time to try and gain acceptance from some sort of social circle. To my dismay or perhaps blessing, I soon realized that I am a complete introvert and that “sucking someone’s dick and/or pussy” for attention or acceptance is a complete waste of time. Everyone has a void they are trying to fill to justify their existence or at least try to trick your own brain into believing you’re doing the right thing for a temporary fix. Some become religious; some take on politics; others take strong public stances on topics they don’t know anything about. Here’s my fucking point: it’s all fake. People work really hard to gain power, money or respect and when they get it nothing changes. A frustrating state of mind converts to hatred towards others which then leads to sexism, racism, and bigotry.

As I got older my urges for social acceptance started to diminish and I learned how to entertain myself. The feeling of social isolation fluctuated from depression to contentment throughout my life. Social norms were created by humans to help with peace of mind and if you don’t follow them you start to live on the outskirts of society.  Which is exactly where I ended up: my best friends became drug dealers, my hangout buddies were degenerate gamblers, and my date night consisted of a $50 blowjob from a random old street hooker. You get what you pay for – that’s life.

I aimlessly roamed through the underworld for several years picking up any and every vice one could have, including a heroin addiction. Days quickly became structured. For an All American Breakfast I would wake up and snort 30mg of oxycodone then brush my teeth in the shower. After that I was off to sell drugs and later using that profit to buy dope. The goal was usually to have some dope in my wallet by 1pm’ish. Think of it this way, oxycodone is to cereal as heroin is to a turkey sandwich, which one goes better with lunch? Heroin duh. Nights consisted of 2-3 poker games and late nights remained street-hooker-romantic. Now that I think about it I should have been an accountant based on how well I kept track of money coming in and out of my wallet on a daily basis. All of it was really fun, and I have no regrets. None. Regrets are for people who can’t learn from their mistakes.

Here’s my actual point. I’m not going to vomit the same generic bullshit you hear every day. There’s plenty of shitty newspapers and blogs for that already. Instead I want to share with you the perspective of a societal outsider. You may not like my writing and you may not agree with my opinions but baby here it is!

So, the topic for today is “Sexism, Misogyny and the Objectification of Women” Does it exist in standup comedy? Yes of course it fucking exists. It exists in comedy and every other work environment. Is it on a level of concern? Yes of course it fucking is. The smallest amount of abuse is enough to raise concern in any situation, unless your girlfriend makes you participate in Fantasy Rape Role-play but I’ll save that story for another article.

My stance is that both genders have a fault in the problem. Not all men are assholes and not all women are bitches but the ones that are seem to be very persuasive and thus causing a trickle-down effect on the rest of us. I hate extreme stances from either ends of the spectrum and have done enough shit-talking about the capitalist minded feminist groups so I’ll attack the alpha and beta males instead.

Alpha male is a stupid and unnecessary label that has taken on a very negative connotation. If you consider yourself an alpha male odds are you approach women overly and unjustifiably confident, say some misogynistic hubba bubba and end up going home alone only to jerk off in the same cum crusted sock from last night. I witness it all the time. Holding the door for a random drunk girl stumbling out of a bar while pushing all the other men aside is not going to get you laid, you fucking idiot.

My advice, develop a personality and engage in a conversation. On the flip side you have the spineless beta males consulting their women friends about ex-boyfriends and engaging in hypothetical situations where you get to show your true emotional side and then sit around wondering why no one wants to fuck you. Newsflash: it’s cause you’re acting like a little school-boy-bitch and it’s unattractive. Your actions are that of an 80 year-old grandmother. Stop thinking you’re an intellectual. You’re not.

Both Alphas and Betas are attention seeking whores who think way too highly of themselves. Your lives don’t matter. You are irrelevant to the world. Those are the extreme spectrums which seem to be getting most of the attention from mainstream media but keep in mind that somewhere in between is the rest of the guys just trying to get by. To keep the rest of the article consistent and understandable I’ll refer to these guys as “The-Middle-Guys.”

So how does this all relate to comedy? Well I recently read a blog post from a female comic in which she stated that after her set the host objectified her with cliché derogatory statements about her femininity. More specifically the host said “Give it up for your last comic! She’s truly a rare breed – a white girl with a fat ass.” I completely get how that’s annoying and truth behold my article is not going to change the ignorance of men. But to her and other female comics that get sexually harassed by men take into consideration that he is objectifying you because he can’t get laid. A lot of men can’t get pussy and it’s because they are not deserving of it. The-Middle-Guys and I are on your side! We hate those douchebags, too, because they create a stigma of douchebaggery around every other young male that just wants a chance to talk to a random girl. We just don’t have a voice. Our voice is overpowered by the horse-shit of alphas and the whining of betas.

If I can be brutally honest, I don’t have too much trouble getting laid. Hypocrisy may have hit for some of you reading that statement but hear me out. I don’t have a stable job. I don’t wear nice clothes. I’m broke. I have a bunch of debt and I’m very average looking (VERY VERY AVERAGE LOOKING), yet I can still get laid pretty easily. Why is that? Well, when I feel like a woman is not interested in fucking me I don’t immediately turn into an immature 8th grade boy. There’s a simple solution to all of this. If a girl isn’t interested, I move on.

Again, I can’t imagine how annoying it is for women to get harassed constantly by men but what I’m trying to say is that those men will soon die. Some will kill themselves due to severe depression from loneliness. Others will drink themselves to death. Some will live for a while in a sheltered igloo of insecurity occasionally stepping into the general public where they will harass a woman and then shortly after return back to their melting igloo of sexual frustration.

Just a few more words of encouragement ladies. If a host is saying some ignorant shit odds are he sucks at comedy and is extremely sexually frustrated. I know this isn’t a solution to the problem but maybe hearing another male say it will somehow ease your frustration for a few seconds? At the very least those are my intentions.

In my personal experience when a host or another comic is an asshole, he usually has a tiny cock (I always check), is impotent, has never gotten great head, is extremely insecure and constantly afraid of everything, spineless and arrogant without justification, etc. A lot of these comics and hosts have had crowds laugh at them but mistakenly took it as crowds laughing with them. They have no future in comedy and will most likely live pathetic miserable lives till they develop some sort of cancer. I am not Ghandi or any another fucking philosopher of life but ladies I sympathize with your ongoing battle and hope that eventually this harassment stops. I’ll do my personal best to not only attack feminists but also the alpha and beta males. Hopefully with enough dedication we can get things back on track and we can all unite as friends under the horrible career choice, which is Standup Comedy.