My parents made love sometime in the early spring of 1978. I lived inside of my mother’s womb until I was evicted by her inability to keep having me mooch off of her, or in other words, nature. I was born December 24th, purple. Not like an eggplant, but more like dying of an inability to breathe. According to my mother, I swallowed amniotic fluid on the way out. That is the medical term for “I ate my own dookie” because that’s what amniotic fluid is – dookie. I totally envision myself thinking that birth canal was actually a Slip-N-Slide. If you have ever seen that product, you will notice that the kids pictured on the package always have their mouths open. Well…that’s what I did upon entering the world!
ANYWAYS. I lived in Cali, Colombia until 1986. That’s when we moved to Plantation, Florida – the most magical place on earth. I attended Plantation High School where I was on the football team and step team. I thought I was black. I wanted a Caprice Classic. More evidence of wanting to be black. After high school, I took my talents to The University of Florida – not because I was smart, but because they were in desperate need of minorities. None of my white friends with anything below a 4.2 GPA and 1300 minimum on the SAT were admitted to UF that year. In turn, UF begged me to enroll despite my 2.6 GPA and COMBINED 940 SAT. Let’s face it, UF let one slip by. I somehow graduated from UF. I’m not sure how, but I did. Actually, I do know. With GPA boosters like scuba diving and jogging, I guess anyone can walk that stage. During my last year, I interned at Late Night with Conan O’Brien. That move opened the doors to comedy. I began performing and slowly got better (I think.) After graduation, I moved back to Plantation and worked and did comedy. I kept getting better (I think.) Then one day I decided to move to New York City. I’ve lived here ever since. I still do comedy. I’ve been on some movies, tv shows and commercials here and there. And I work in the restaurant business. That’s it in a nutshell. Pretty boring, huh?